Trying to Refocus

To begin with I should say that I am back at home and although my grandmother is still in the hospital, all indications are that she is firmly on the road to recovery. She is such a strong woman that I cannot imagine a world without her. At times I believe I have fooled myself into thinking that because of the distance between our homes, when she is called to heaven I will not be as effected as those living closer. The scare this past week and the extended emotional fog I find myself in is proving just how wrong that thinking was.

Although I look at myself as mostly an outgoing person, I find myself feeling helpless and wanting to draw into my emotional shell like a turtle closing out the entire world. I find the only thing that gives me great comfort are times that I am getting to talk to Grandma on the phone, or connecting to my family at the hospital for information, or emailing my cousin Rena who has been the other information lifeline through this ordeal. How I am torn between the need to be here caring for my children (though when my husband is home I am doing a pitiful job of it and will have to put forth a concentrated effort when he goes back to work tomorrow) and longing to be back at the hospital so that I can see first hand how she is doing: her color, facial expressions, how she is eating and hearing for myself what the doctors are saying.

Have I always been this controlling? And what will it be like when, dread of all dreads, it is one of my own parents? Will I not be able to balance anything at all? Will Jeff become a single parent during that time? This ordeal has brought out an aspect of myself that I had not fully realized existed and I am not sure just what I should do about it. I have always felt that I could handle whatever situation arose through my faith and the support of my family and friends. I am not saying that I do not feel that way now. The first thing I did was to turn to prayer and call close friends to ask for additional prayers. I do give all the credit of Grandma beating these odds to God's interventions. I never expected this emotional backlash of withdrawal. I really have always thought of myself as more of an emotional purger than an emotional hoarder.

I guess in some aspects just simply writing about this here is getting the feelings out in the open, but it is this fog that I find myself in that is so confusing. I can't quite put my finger on the true feelings that I have floating within me to even give them a voice. Is this what is confusing me so much? Also it is the withdrawal from the family unit here at the house that bothers me. My wonderful husband has not complained, but I really have been quite reclusive since returning home and must almost make myself join into family times that usually are very precious to me. As I write this my husband and son are watching a movie in the living room and I just heard Thomas my son say, "I wish mama were in here with us." Talk about breaking my heart. How horrible a mom have I become. He has no understanding of what I am going through. Of that small fact, I am thankful.

This has been about it for my writing, what very little of it there has been. Maybe if I just force myself to go through the motions everything will work themselves out. I don't know what else to try. I can't go back to VA just now and would that really help? At some point I would have to come back. Hopefully, as Grandma gets stronger and my mind settles down, I will be able to refocus and get back to my version of normal.